Last Updated On: July 2019
As the number of company administered drug tests soars, ordinary responsible people are getting caught up in a net originally intended to weed out crack-smoking train conductors and pilots addicted to morphine.
Companies have pushed the testing envelope so far that you can now lose your job for having taken a couple of hits off a bong at your birthday party 2 weeks before your drug test; even in states where recreational cannabis use is legal.
The pushback to this type of corporate madness is a little thing called synthetic urine, and the Golden Flask kit is what we’ll be looking at below.
The Golden Flask is a product of Alternative Lifestyle Systems, or ALS.
Most people have never heard of this company though they're a fairly well-established maker of adult toys.
Their first foray into the drug testing arena came with a product they call the "Whizzinator."
Perhaps to no one's surprise, this is essentially a strap-on that you use to deliver samples, either during fetish games or, more likely, when you’re asked to produce a sample for drug tests.
So, they decided to market their own brand, which they now call “The Golden Flask."
While it sounds like a new entry in the Clash of the Titans film series, it's actually a fairly well-rounded product, though not one to be used for any illegal purposes.
And, while the company marketing characterizes it as “world famous” it actually has some ways to go before it’s even famous with those who might need it.
But, we’ll forgive them their marketing excesses.
A Golden Flask kit provides 4 ounces of the company’s premixed fake piss in a durable plastic urine flask along with a heat pad that will help you maintain your sample at what should be a realistic temp (somewhere between 94 and 100 degrees Fahrenheit).
There’s also a temperature strip affixed to the flask that helps you keep an eye on things.
Although it’s accuracy is anything but guaranteed. And that’s a potential problem we’ll get to in a moment.
We think it’s great that the company isn’t just dumping a packet of fake pee powder on their customers and just letting them try and figure out how to use the product.
Instead, they seem to be making an attempt to provide you with something that covers all the bases.
However, there are a couple of potential issues we envision here.
The first is the temperature thingy.
ALS wants you to trust it, but that's asking a lot since there are many factors that could skew the accuracy -- including your own body heat and the temp of the outside air on the day you head for the testing facility.
The other potential problem is the smell -- which we’re told is like real urine.
But, we’re not sure whose urine they’re talking about.
That’s the question.
And the answer is, we can envision some circumstances when the Golden Flask system might work for someone.
For instance, if they warmed the sample in a microwave right before heading for the test and then kept the bottle close to them until it was time to dispense it.
It would also have to be a warm day so you could be sure that cold outdoor air wasn’t dragging down the temp of your fake urine.
But why this harping on the temp? Because freshly dispensed human pee is never less than 94 degrees or more than 100.
So, if you get your Golden Flask to the testing location and the indicator says it’s 97 when it’s actually 88 degrees, you’re screwed.
But, even if you managed to get the sample to the cup at the right temperature, we're pretty sure that when the lab tech opens it to test the contents, they're going to have the same reaction we did: "What's that smell?"
And, if they do, your well-laid plans have all gone up in smoke.
It’s normal for new products to have some issues, but the last thing you want is for a product’s issues to cost you your job.
The Golden Flask falls into the middle of the product price range.
And that’s to be expected considering you get a flask, a warming pad and a temp strip (even if it’s unreliable).
Still, it’s 45 dollars. Which makes it considerably more expensive than the dependable brands.
While $45 isn’t going to break most people’s bank, the product still needs to justify its higher cost somehow.
And, the Golden Flask doesn’t do that.
The Golden Flask is available through the ALS website known as thewhizzinator.com, after their most popular product.
Presumably, they make you go there to get it in the hope that you’ll also pick up a prosthetic penis while you’re there to deliver the product with.
The strap-on is just in the way, and the Golden Flask isn’t a dependable solution.
So, can we recommend the Golden Flask?
Well, as you probably guessed by now, no.
It’s a product with potential, but it hasn't proven itself in the real world yet, and the twin issues of the potentially misleading temp strip and the odor that seems like it wafted in from an alien world make it a no-go for now.
Maybe ALS will straighten these things out, and in the future we can give it a thumbs up.
But for now, we're recommending you pick up some Quick Fix and rest easy.
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This product has a 99.987% success rate meaning that it gives you the best chance of passing your drug test out of all the options that are on the market today.
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Anna is a content writer, blogger, and entrepreneur. When she is not spending time managing and supervising her business, Lindsley's Lumber, Anna creates content for her synthetic urine website. Aside from being an entrepreneur and blogger, she is also a pet lover, loves to cook and maintain her home garden. You can find out more about me here.